Sleep. It often eludes us as parents (strangely some parents like to boast about how little they get). When our Number 1 was born I used a scheduled, routine-oriented approach for her nighttime sleep and daytime naps. If she was 'meant' to sleep 1pm until 3pm (as instructed by the many books I read) then that is what she would do. I would use various forms of coercing and resettling methods to ensure she stuck to the necessary routine (but never rocking, god forbid!). I tackled each day in a business like manner, starting at 7am (in clear opposition to the old adage 'never wake a sleeping baby') and ending at 7pm (with 'Save Our Sleep' author Tizzie Hall's advice ringing in my head 'don't miss the 7 o'clock bus').
This method produced the desired results. Our little girl was sleeping through the night at eight weeks and I don't mean the technical definition of sleeping through the night; five hours (this definition was surely invented to make parents around the world feel better and to give them permission to flippantly and proudly say 'she sleeps through the night', usually to other mothers who are struggling to get their child to sleep two hours at a time) - our daughter was actually sleeping from 7pm until 6am and soon after 7am. She has continued to be a good sleeper, although I'm very nervous about stating that even now, as she turns two, because I seem to jinx these things! I'm sure I didn't have such paranoias before I was a parent.
Then Number 2 arrived. After a few weeks with our newborn, I realised very quickly that my business like technique to sleep coaching (I detest the term 'sleep coaching' but I'm sure there are many mums who are familiar with the expression) would not be possible with our little boy for three reasons: (1) I could not spend the copious hours at home that I did with Number 1, because our daughter was now at an age where even a few hours inside was sending her crazy; (2) Number 2 was a boy, which I'd been warned apparently makes a difference; and (3) I adopted a less stringent style of encouraging good sleep habits (this approach slowly developed once I had acknowledged points 1 and 2). This has proved to be quite liberating - there is not much fun in watching the clock throughout the day, even with Number 1 who was achieving all the necessary 'standards' as outlined in my readings.
Our initial strategy was to simply focus on ensuring our little boy knew the difference between night and day. Anything outside of that, such as the recommended number of hours he should be sleeping during the day, was not as important. Through our actions and behavioural cues, we ensured Number 2 knew when night was night (for sleeping) and day was day (for playing). Minimal eye contact, no talking and even no nappy changes (after a few weeks) indicated that it was time to sleep. A dramatic wake up such as opening curtains and talking energetically indicated it was time to play. With these indicators, very quickly our son understood when it was time to sleep and, although he was still waking three or four times per night, he began to resettle quickly. There were the 4am wake ups, where he refused to resettle for an hour and a half, but that eventually stopped (see point 3 above regarding my 'less stringent style' and therefore less stressed approach to these trying moments in the sleep coaching process).
The next step was to really work on a step by step routine to indicate it was bedtime: shower with 99; massage with mummy; dressed for bed; feed; relaxing music; dim lights; bubbly vaporiser and tucked into bed awake. There were many times where I would have to gently stir him awake after his feed to make sure he was going to bed awake. Saying goodnight to Papa and his big sister was a good way to stir him. It is such heaven now to be able to tuck our little boy in and leave him happily playing with his comforter, knowing he will self settle to sleep.
Of course there have been many occasions where I have fallen asleep with Number 2 in bed with me. I got into a pattern of feeding him to sleep during the day, while Number 1 had her afternoon nap, simply so I too could have my daily nap. I was concerned that such a habit of feeding to sleep would result in a demand for the same sleep-inducing tactic at night but it had no such affect. It's as if he inherently knew the difference between the afternoon desperation of needing my sleep and his bed time routine at night (thank goodness!). I would have loved the luxuries of attachment parenting and co-sleeping (I know there are many closet co-sleepers out there!). Imagine simply rolling over in the night to feed baby and then falling back to sleep immediately while they finished their feed. One of my friends recently mentioned she could not remember how many times her son woke in the night because it had become so natural and instinctive to feed him in bed with her. Unfortunately for me, I toss and turn at the best of times, so even though I would try to will myself to sleep while snuggled up beautifully with Number 2, I would repeatedly put baby straight back in his cot after his feed so I could actually have a chance at falling asleep again myself.
As a second time mum I had a wonderful underlying contentment with the knowledge that all these initial sleep difficulties would pass. Number 2 naturally grew out of his reflux issues (whether doses of losec got him there earlier, I don't know) and his habit of being wide-awake at 4am gradually waned. It certainly makes it easier, although not necessarily pain free, knowing that these demanding first few months will pass. Sometimes that is the only solace. As hippy as it sounds, I actually believe that babies naturally settle into good sleep habits of their own accord. What happened to my structured goal-oriented approach?!
A few nights of clock watching ('shall we leave him to settle another five minutes?') were definitely necessary in our household. I could never let my son cry for long (99 thinks I spoil him!), instead we tried to gently get him used to settling himself. Although some of our methods have changed, we still are very aware of the benefits associated with self-settling. At the very least, it is so lovely to see our son happy and content in his cot before he sleeps, and calm descending on our home each evening.
How different the experience has been the second time round. What pleasure there is in knowing what to expect. Now that we have extended periods of quiet in our home due to both kids sleeping well (hopefully I won't jinx it!), I now need to learn to sleep well again instead of being up at 3am writing posts such as this.
